Healing

The past two months I feel like I am finally getting back to my "self", whatever that was. There are no new holes in the walls of the house, and for me, that is something to be proud of. No yelling, arguing with my toddler, etc. I didn't really realize the difference until about two weeks into my getting some help. I looked back and realized, wait a minute, I was actually sleeping when the girls were sleeping, and not having rambling rambling thoughts the whole night. Also, no screaming and all that fun stuff.
Now, however, I am feeling well enough to watch a little girl part time in our home along with my two. This helps us financially but also, she is so sweet and such a great friend for Evie and Rory. She comes from a very earth friendly family who are also familiar with the Waldorf schooling, so overall I made lots of changes in our home that have turned out to be for the better. We hardly watch any tv, we are eating a lot healthier, and in general I feel like I am catching up on my connecting with my children. I am actually playing with them a lot more. It was hard for me to realize, but most of my anger was directed at Evelyn due to nursing, attachment, all of that. And because of this, I wasn't giving her the affection she should have been getting. Sure, I nursed her, hugged her, fed her, changed her. But when I started to think about it I wasn't saying "I love you," all that much.

So it is my time now to play catch up with my children, my husband. And myself.

We returned from Florida on Friday evening. I guess I had been so excited about getting away from the cold and being able to play outside with the girls, that I didn't exactly think about how hard the transitions would be for Evie. She spent most of the time crying or asking to go home.
Oh boy. I fell a bit backwards in my mental progress, at least in my mind. But we are getting there.

Rory fell sick again once we got into Fort Myers. She has been ill most of this winter, off and on with colds, thrush, etc. The last 30 minutes of the plane ride home were awful for her. I ended up nursing both of the girls on me on the plane. I can only think what the flight attendants were thinking, but I was happy I had a way to calm them and let them sleep.

I can't say I completely enjoyed the trip. The time we spent as a family in the sand, or in the water, was great. We are lucky my parents are so generous, but I know next time they offer, we will have to pass. I think we will wait to travel like this again for a couple of years.

The wedding for Sarah and Aaron was nice. It is hard for me to talk and think about it really. Chris's half brother, Ryan, was born on the same day. We also found out that Jay and Laurie are expecting their third. Part of me is jealous. I would love another baby, but I know with the issues I had with the girls, I'd like to wait until Rory is at least 2 until we start TTC. I want to enjoy these girls, I AM enjoying these girls. Each day is a new start.

Change is a Comin

I have felt stuck in a rut for some time now. I feel like everyone around me is moving on, doing something different, getting a taste of change. My children are growing, but my family life is the same. I need to make changes in my home, and in my life. It is hard, but we will get through it.

Our first trip out to play in the snow!

Starting Fresh

Wow, hard to believe it is already 2009. With a new year I thought I'd make my third attempt at blogging. Maybe this time it will stick? The past year has brought so many changes they are hard to count. Rory just turned one and is quickly coming into her own. Evie challenges me everyday, making it known that she still wants her voice heard loud and clear. It is up to me to keep myself together and remember, that I am helping to mold these little children's thoughts and actions. I am their mother, and their primary source of education about the world.
So many people giving me their advice, negative, positive. I've been torn between following advice, following my heart. Who do I listen to? Am I doing the best I can, or does that mean I am trying but not doing a good job. This is where my mind strays.

So, I have to focus. Focus on life, on change, on love and on happiness.

Dreaming of a different day...

So a few months ago I saw in the newspaper an add looking for an HVAC tech. to live full time on Marthas Vineyard. They'd provide moving assistance and competitive pay. Of course this wouldn't be a job I'D take, but Chris. So I showed him the add, half joking, half hoping that we could just drop everything and make a run for it. Forget that we have to be in our house for at least two more years, forget the bills we already can't pay! Or the fact that we have two dogs, cats, and soon to be two children. My mind was spinning!
Ever since my sister and I started reading Alice Hoffman books as kids, you know "Illumination Night", and having vacationed there with family growing up, I've had it in my head that I'd someday own a house on the island where I could walk my children to the beach hand in hand. We'd wake up early in the morning and have breakfast on our farmers porch, and then walk looking for shells. In winter when the island is iced over and empty we'd live huddled together drinking warm hot chocolate and running the wood stove, waiting for Papa to come home safe from his work, because he'd be the most saught after heating tech on the island. We'd be full timers! And then of course we'd look down upon all the summer vacationers and millionares that would ferry over from the mainland in the summer and shrug them away as they left in late August.

Yes, but alas, we put the ad away and we're still stuck here in ole' Goffstown. At least we have the pond...technically waterfront property, right? :)

Catching Up - Week 20

This week the baby is really growing. As I nurse Evie at night and she is lying across my stomach, I can really feel strong kicks. Sometimes I can see them. I am more and more anxious each day on how Evie will deal with a sibling. She is considered a "high need baby" not because of her temperament but because she is very "attached." For those that don't know I am planning on tandem nursing the two girls. This is because I do not feasibly see Evie weaning by the time the new baby is here. Evie still nurses to sleep for bother her naps and at bedtime. It was only until she was 7 months old that she would not sleep on me and I could finally put her *next to me. *Yes she is still sleeping next to me in bed at night. Some agree with cosleeping, but most not. I have gotten a lot of support from the Attachment Parenting Group that I attend in this area. Many Moms I have met go through the same thing. I am confident that by giving Evie the love and attention she needs at this precious time in her life, she will grow to be a strong and caring girl. If that means being close with her for most of her infancy and toddlerhood, than that is fine with me. She is just going to have to share me come this December/January.

Anyway, this pregnancy has been almost exactly the same as with Evelyn. Minus the stomach bug I had with her around 16 weeks. I had the same morning sickness/nausea around 8-12 weeks and thankfully that has gone. I'm starting to get the same heartburn I had with her also. I am however, showing more than I was at this stage with Evie. I'd say I look like I did when I was about 26 weeks. But, not uncomfortable yet. I'll try to load some recent belly pics soon!