Healing

The past two months I feel like I am finally getting back to my "self", whatever that was. There are no new holes in the walls of the house, and for me, that is something to be proud of. No yelling, arguing with my toddler, etc. I didn't really realize the difference until about two weeks into my getting some help. I looked back and realized, wait a minute, I was actually sleeping when the girls were sleeping, and not having rambling rambling thoughts the whole night. Also, no screaming and all that fun stuff.
Now, however, I am feeling well enough to watch a little girl part time in our home along with my two. This helps us financially but also, she is so sweet and such a great friend for Evie and Rory. She comes from a very earth friendly family who are also familiar with the Waldorf schooling, so overall I made lots of changes in our home that have turned out to be for the better. We hardly watch any tv, we are eating a lot healthier, and in general I feel like I am catching up on my connecting with my children. I am actually playing with them a lot more. It was hard for me to realize, but most of my anger was directed at Evelyn due to nursing, attachment, all of that. And because of this, I wasn't giving her the affection she should have been getting. Sure, I nursed her, hugged her, fed her, changed her. But when I started to think about it I wasn't saying "I love you," all that much.

So it is my time now to play catch up with my children, my husband. And myself.